Four thirty A.M, I’m awake again
Singing to the dark through open eyes
While dreaming I see only you and me
Stuck between desire and compromise
This past year has brought so many extremes for everyone…
It’s been exactly one year since I have since G and it breaks my heart. I haven’t seen or Skyped with him for quite some time, and I’m not quite sure if my imagination is the best suited way to envision him. I said it before and thought this type of situation would develop, but realizing that this notion is becoming reality. I am slowly slipping away, as the ex furthers her endeavors at work and personal life.
This time last year, G wakes up and crawls slowly into bed with me. He doesn’t know I’m awake, and I watch him walk up to the bed, look back to his bedroom for a brief second before he starts to slowly climb up my bed.
I’ve been watching more and more of the home movies and photos I took of him these past few years. It’s all I have it. To me, I’m still teaching him to brush his teeth, taking down the slide for the first time, watching him try to stand on his feet for the first time.
This day last year, we board a train. G plays with his new car but quickly forgets about it as he spots a sea lion. He points to it, a smile and sparkle full of enthusiasm. Let me teach you everything I know, son.
In an effort to keep myself busy this past year I go into perhaps one too many projects and businesses. I have a hard time leading a cubicle life, so many of these projects were both mentally and financially practical. Work helped me cope, and considering that I was doubly affected by the economic downturn, as well as the year of staying at home playing solo-dad, I had vast ground to recoup. I’m very much the sore loser but I was also facing new bills and challenges without much support. Some family members thought that I was perhaps to blame for the break up, and that I committed certain actions that were unforgiveable… Am I perceived to be that bad of a guy?
This day last year, she crawls into bed, exhausted from walking late into evening, talking with friends and visiting late night shops. Sleep well; tomorrow you may put your life into danger.
Dreams have always intrigued me ever since I was little. Lately, I have been having numerous lucid dreams, something I have never done before. It’s frightening but captivating at the same time. All of the lucid dreams revolve around the family and each dream spans what seems like months. They typically start with me talking with “myself” at a bar – except it’s not me. He dresses differently, has a different haircut and occasionally wears a goatee. Other times I’m talking with what I understand to be a grown up version of G.
It starts at a bar, where I’m told not all the choices I have made before, will actually happen. In another life, I chose to go left instead of right. Conversation turns to a specific decision, and I “dive” into that instance, usually when G is about sixteen months. I “relive” that time. Watch him grow all over again. Face the same decisions, perhaps same mistakes as before. The dream always cuts off when I am sitting on the couch with G. I’m still bewildered by the same state of affairs. Looks like I’m running out of scenarios to play out, and I have to wonder what did I do that was so wrong in your eyes to deserve such a cruel fate of avoidance. My son is somewhere out there, but his father is here.
One year ago and two months ago I sit across the table. I never thought anything happened, I knew it didn’t. Rather it was an infatuation.
I can’t help wonder what G calls him. I’m still allowed to get jealous about something. I should perhaps ask this with my alter ego self when I dream again. I used to believe in fair play and honor; but the ugliness I’ve seen this past year leaves much to be desired. I’ve been everywhere but have gone no where. Sanctuary still exists, and I pray I find it soon.