This past year has brought so many extremes for everyone…

It’s been exactly one year since I have since G and it breaks my heart.  I [...]]]>

Four thirty A.M, I’m awake again
Singing to the dark through open eyes
While dreaming I see only you and me
Stuck between desire and compromise

This past year has brought so many extremes for everyone…

It’s been exactly one year since I have since G and it breaks my heart.  I haven’t seen or Skyped with him for quite some time, and I’m not quite sure if my imagination is the best suited way to envision him. I said it before and thought this type of situation would develop, but realizing that this notion is becoming reality. I am slowly slipping away, as the ex furthers her endeavors at work and personal life.

This time last year, G wakes up and crawls slowly into bed with me. He doesn’t know I’m awake, and I watch him walk up to the bed, look back to his bedroom for a brief second before he starts to slowly climb up my bed. 

I’ve been watching more and more of the home movies and photos I took of him these past few years.  It’s all I have it.  To me, I’m still teaching him to brush his teeth, taking down the slide for the first time, watching him try to stand on his feet for the first time.

This day last year, we board a train. G plays with his new car but quickly forgets about it as he spots a sea lion. He points to it, a smile and sparkle full of enthusiasm.  Let me teach you everything I know, son.

In an effort to keep myself busy this past year I go into perhaps one too many projects and businesses.  I have a hard time leading a cubicle life, so many of these projects were both mentally and financially practical.  Work helped me cope, and considering that I was doubly affected by the economic downturn, as well as the year of staying at home playing solo-dad, I had vast ground to recoup.  I’m very much the sore loser but I was also facing new bills and challenges without much support.  Some family members thought that I was perhaps to blame for the break up, and that I committed certain actions that were unforgiveable… Am I perceived to be that bad of a guy?

This day last year, she crawls into bed, exhausted from walking late into evening, talking with friends and visiting late night shops.  Sleep well; tomorrow you may put your life into danger.

Dreams have always intrigued me ever since I was little. Lately, I have been having numerous lucid dreams, something I have never done before.  It’s frightening but captivating at the same time. All of the lucid dreams revolve around the family and each dream spans what seems like months.  They typically start with me talking with “myself” at a bar – except it’s not me.  He dresses differently, has a different haircut and occasionally wears a goatee.  Other times I’m talking with what I understand to be a grown up version of G.

It starts at a bar, where I’m told not all the choices I have made before, will actually happen. In another life, I chose to go left instead of right.  Conversation turns to a specific decision, and I “dive” into that instance, usually when G is about sixteen months.  I “relive” that time.  Watch him grow all over again. Face the same decisions, perhaps same mistakes as before. The dream always cuts off when I am sitting on the couch with G. I’m still bewildered by the same state of affairs. Looks like I’m running out of scenarios to play out, and I have to wonder what did I do that was so wrong in your eyes to deserve such a cruel fate of avoidance. My son is somewhere out there, but his father is here.

One year ago and two months ago I sit across the table.  I never thought anything happened, I knew it didn’t. Rather it was an infatuation.

I can’t help wonder what G calls him. I’m still allowed to get jealous about something.  I should perhaps ask this with my alter ego self when I dream again.  I used to believe in fair play and honor; but the ugliness I’ve seen this past year leaves much to be desired.  I’ve been everywhere but have gone no where. Sanctuary still exists, and I pray I find it soon.

The night is young.  I feel invincible, as I do every night.  I find myself out again, in [...]]]> I wrote this a while back, originally meant to be a part of the previous post, but decided to make it into a separate one.  Didn’t get a chance to finish it until now, so enjoy.

The night is young.  I feel invincible, as I do every night.  I find myself out again, in search of life, in search of love, in search of sunrise.  We bypass the line and walk up to a gentleman who stops us.

“Just follow me” R says to all of us.  I’m a bit nervous, but feel the intoxication overwhelming me and don’t care.  We are led to a tall blonde girl in a faux fur coat with a clipboard, with others waiting behind a velvet rope, waiting for a chance.  R exchanges some words and we they start to lead us in.  I squeeze in towards the middle of the group.  Being the youngest, I was hoping to not get singled out by standing with the girls in the group, but they are slow to enter.  I stop and wait for the girls to get inside before I start to enter.  A gentleman grabs me by the arm…

“Who are you?  I need to see ID” What ID?  I’m far too young to be here.  Before I have the chance to respond R comes out and says I’m with them, as we quickly enter in the black nothingness.

Lights appear.  First red. Then yellow. Images flash on what in the open air.  Heavy bass so loud that I feel my clothes move on my body.

“We’re going upstairs,” someone says as we make our way through half dressed women and muscle bound guys in tight t-shirts.  We get to the top, and the music welcomes me.  It feels carefree, it feels like home.  I’m at Karma.

Fifteen years later karma catches up to me as I speak to a former veteran of the industry.  We were all faceless names back then.  The person, sitting across from me now sells RVs.

After my first visit to Karma I fell in love with the music and the scene.  I found myself throwing events at various venues throughout the city, but never had the chance to throw one at Karma as they closed down.  I heard it was due to drugs.

I find myself back deep down this rabbit hole, but it doesn’t feel the same.  I’m here helping a friend who needs help renegotiating terms for a venue after finding themselves deep in the hole… They are somewhere in the back room, while I wait here in the midst of the dance floor.

The senses don’t lie, and things feel nostalgic.  The lights are hypnotic and I can’t seem to make myself move.   A girl grabs my arm and tries to pull me over as she dances with another girl.  A guy bumps into me and says something.  Don’t know what.  Doesn’t matter, I’m still invincible.  I miss smoking inside.

losing my senses
lost in my head
i am nothing, and no one
and nowhere at all
i am thoughtless and i fought this on my own

this is the wrong way
this is the long way down

Twenty years later, G finds himself in a line, with a group walking out of the darkness into a entrancing spectacle.  He will enjoy a few visits before his life dramatically changes.  He will meet some people years later that were there that night.

Woke up extremely early with most of my work finished late last night so  I had the chance to do some creative writing here.  Had a very early start to a somewhat unusual morning routine.  Woke up to Fleetwood Mac playing.  No milk so no latte to start my day, instead went with some [...]]]>

Woke up extremely early with most of my work finished late last night so  I had the chance to do some creative writing here.  Had a very early start to a somewhat unusual morning routine.  Woke up to Fleetwood Mac playing.  No milk so no latte to start my day, instead went with some tea and enjoyed a walk along the lakefront and sat on the rocks, watching the sunrise, sipping my tea.

I am not known to be a typical “morning person” per se, I am however, an extreme night owl.  So much so that if I wake up early enough before the sunrise I am actually quite fond of the morning – as it’s just an “all-nighter” in my mind.

Anyways, I watched the sun rise and listened to a playlist I recently made, one of the songs I probably haven’t heard in more than ten years.  It brought back a flurry of flashbacks and overwhelming emotions… When I buried my father and sister half a lifetime ago,  I used to come to the lakefront daily, go for a run, or just watch the sunrise with smoke and coffee in hand.  Sometimes I used to run and smoke which freaked people out, a comical contradiction.  morning person, probably because mentally it’s just an extended late night for me…

Well the track played, and mentally brought me back to sixteen years ago.  I lit a smoke and unwittingly began an inventory of my life.  Thankfully, these sticks burn slow, cause there’s a lot of shit to reflect on.

I remember playing chess with my dad for years, something he taught me when I was knee high to a duck.  He was very competitive, and used to compete and travel in tournaments all the time.  We bought him a fancy electronic chess set one time.  It came in this leather briefcase, and the computer would take weeks to make a move.  I think he finally beat it just over a year later.  It took me about ten years to finally beat him, and I’m still not sure if that was just by chance or a gimme as that was the only win I ever got.  I think I picked up my use of analogies from him because he used to compare chess to everything; how every move changes the situation, strategy and possibilities.  You know you won’t have all these peices at the end of the game, and most will be lost throughout the duration of the game.  You do, however, have the power of choice – choosing what to move, if and when to sacrifice and when to take.  Even choosing to lose our most powerful pieces on the board to create… for the overall scheme of things.

I sacrificed a whole lot getting to this point and only have a few pieces left and need to make sure that it won’t be all for naught.  I still have dreams and don’t want to grow old in regret.

[Audio:] 01.mp3

On my headboard I have two photos of G taped there that I have been staring at for awhile.

One is of him on the swings.  His last week here, I would spend hours with him at the playground.  We’d watch the stars come up. I’d point them out [...]]]> Trouble sleeping tonight.  Always trouble sleeping.

On my headboard I have two photos of G taped there that I have been staring at for awhile.

One is of him on the swings.  His last week here, I would spend hours with him at the playground.  We’d watch the stars come up. I’d point them out to him and he would stare at them in amazement.  All the while I pushed him back and forth on the swing.  We’d stay until his bed time, sometimes after.  The stars would truly shine in his eyes as he looked on as I pointed out the different constellations in the sky, and whether he truly understood me at all, it only mattered that he was smiling… and that made me smile.

The other picture of G is of him running, playing. His hair was a bit longer, but you still could see the smile he had, even with the sun at his back, embracing him.  He ran as if of some vital importance, but his only goal was to come give me a hug.  I miss that the most.  It was always the first thing he did in the morning when he first woke up, and before he went to bed.  And so we played, hugged and ran in the sun.  The sun was warm, inviting and felt so good.

But we are celebrating something that is gone.  Light from the sun takes eight minutes to reach us.  If the sun was to suddenly turn off, we wouldn’t know for eight minutes.  For eight minutes, we would continue to run… laugh… smile… play.  Not knowing that darkness was ahead.

For eight weeks last fall, I laughed, smiled and played not knowing how dark things would become.

Sixteen years ago, I buried my father.  I remember when I was young, he would take my brother and me to the museums.  Every Sunday rain or shine.  Our usual destinations were the Museums of Science & Industry and the Planetarium.  This probably explains my lifelong curiosity for learning, passion for the sciences and finding solace under the stars.  I used to excel at the honors science and math courses in school, but to his dismay never followed up in a field relating to it…  I think when he left; I lost my inspiration for things that reminded me of him.

This time last year, I was planning several large projects.  Things that would free me in a way to balance work, family and love.  I never had the chance to see it happen, as eight weeks went by and they said goodbye.

A couple of the projects I still launched nonetheless.  Something to keep me busy… keep my mind busy.  Perhaps just something to do.  But it’s so hard to work at something when the original intention isn’t there anymore.

What’s the purpose of it then?

I’ve struggled with this the hardest for the past few weeks.  Maybe I’m waiting for my eight minutes to be up before my light goes out.  Maybe I’m waiting for the stars to come out and remind me that sometimes it takes more than eight minutes to reach us.

So, fewer place settings.  Less food to make.  A little less quiet.  A little more reflective. I’m still surrounded by my family, [...]]]> Getting ready to sit down with the family and celebrate… although that in itself is partly a contradiction.  Thoughts go to what ifs and buts, but that doesn’t really help anyone, does it?

So, fewer place settings.  Less food to make.  A little less quiet.  A little more reflective. I’m still surrounded by my family, and those who love me.  And really, that’s all that matters.  I hope G is having his fill today…

Vis ta vie, elle est si belle
Vis ta vie, c’est la tienne
Vis ta vie, sans mensonge
Vis ta vie, comme tu veux

For now, we celebrate.

It is, a welcomed changed from the moody dreams as of late that I have been having.  In fact, I can’t remember the [...]]]> …that it has been. Woke up just a few minutes ago from a dream, with such a sense of euphoria.  Senses of love, hope and promise that I may have recently forgotten.

It is, a welcomed changed from the moody dreams as of late that I have been having.  In fact, I can’t remember the last time my dream wasn’t in darkness.

The watch tells me I was only asleep for a mere three hours…. Liar.  What is time in a dream?  It felt like a whole lifetime went by.  I now only have fading glimpses of faces… sensations… nostalgia that will be gone once the day is fully realized.  From the small fragmented pieces that have stuck in my head, is a conversation I am having with someone close to me in my life.  The conversation feels… familiar.  The same words spoken… same body gestures….

We remember to forget… we forget so that we can remember.

I believe I watched myself die as well.  It was actually quite peaceful and ended the way I lived my life… sitting. watching. waiting.  A cup of coffee in one hand, cigarette in another, minutes before the sun greets the night skies.  Grinning at the day that is coming.  And once the warmth leaves a soft glow on my face, I know that my end is another beginning.

… and then I wake up.

Hello.  How are you?